Codependency and Losing Yourself: How to Reclaim Who You Are
Have you ever looked around and realized you don’t even know what you like anymore? Maybe your days are filled with taking care of everyone else — your partner, your kids, your family — and somewhere along the way, you stopped checking in with yourself. If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. And you might be dealing with codependent patterns that are pulling you away from who you really are.
Codependence isn’t just about being “too nice” or helping too much — it’s about losing your connection to yourself in the process.
What Codependence Can Look Like
You might be codependent if:
You tend to put others’ needs ahead of your own (even when it hurts)
You have trouble making decisions without asking for input or approval
You feel anxious or guilty when you try to set boundaries
Your self-worth depends on how others feel about you
You often shape yourself around the people in your life
This doesn’t mean you’re broken or “too sensitive.” It usually means you learned somewhere along the way that love, safety, or belonging had to be earned — by caretaking, people-pleasing, or shrinking yourself to keep the peace.
Losing Yourself Happens Gradually
Codependence creeps in quietly. Maybe you gave up little things at first — your favorite shows, time with friends, your voice in certain conversations. But over time, you might start to realize that you don’t feel like “you” anymore. You’re busy being what others need, but deep down you might feel resentful, lost, or even invisible.
Why This Matters
When we’re disconnected from ourselves, we’re more likely to:
Stay in unhealthy or one-sided relationships
Feel anxious, depressed, or emotionally exhausted
Struggle to make decisions or trust our own judgment
Tolerate behavior that doesn’t align with our values
Reclaiming yourself is not about becoming selfish — it’s about remembering you matter too.
What Do You Want?
This might feel like a strange question at first. If you’ve spent years making sure everyone else is okay, it can feel unfamiliar (and even uncomfortable) to ask what you need.
Try asking yourself:
What makes me feel alive or excited?
What values are most important to me?
What are my dreams or goals — not anyone else’s?
What have I let go of that I miss?
You don’t have to have the answers right away. The point is to start tuning back in — not to what’s expected of you, but to what you want and need.
Tips for Reconnecting with Yourself and Healing Codependence
Here are a few ways to start coming back to yourself:
1. Start small
You don’t need a complete life overhaul. Start by checking in with yourself once a day: What am I feeling? What do I need right now? Practice honoring it, even in small ways.
2. Make time for solo interests
What did you used to enjoy doing before you were in this relationship (or this phase of life)? Pick one thing and give yourself permission to return to it — even if it’s just 10 minutes a week.
3. Practice saying “I don’t know yet”
If you're used to people-pleasing, try delaying your response. Give yourself space to check in with your own thoughts or feelings before agreeing to something. It’s okay to not have an answer right away.
4. Journal or talk it out
Writing (or talking with a therapist) can help you explore the beliefs that fuel codependence. You might uncover fears like “If I stop taking care of everyone, I’ll be abandoned,” or “I’m only lovable if I’m needed.”
5. Create emotional boundaries
You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. It’s okay to care without carrying it all. Let yourself step back when needed — that’s not rejection, it’s self-respect.
You’re Allowed to Take Up Space
You’re not here to live as a side character in someone else’s story. You have your own voice, your own dreams, and your own inner compass. Codependence may have taught you to silence those parts — but they’re still there, waiting to be heard.
If you’re ready to start untangling from codependent patterns and rediscover who you are, therapy can help.
It’s not selfish to choose yourself — it’s healthy. And it’s absolutely okay to need support as you find your way back.
Reach out here to learn more about relationship therapy in Phoenix, AZ.